How to Get Fat, Weak, and Totally Miserable in 10 Days Flat!
Nick Horton, also known as The Iron Samurai, is out of town on Holiday. I'm his twin brother, The Plastic Ninja, and I've stepped in to take over his column this week to help him out. Hopefully, I can repair all the damage he's done!
Today I've got a plan that will knock your socks off. And it is guaranteed to work! Unlike all of your hapless friends who will spend the early part of the new year stressed over their lack of progress, who will nearly all fail to reach even halfway up their own ladders of success, YOU can set in place - right here, right now - a truly attainable, reachable, and arguably noble goal.
You're a rebel, you're a lone-star, you don't follow, you lead. While everyone else is preparing for their yearly fruitless march toward their ever unattainable New Years Resolutions, you're looking for something different - something special. Well...you know what they say, if the salmon are swimming up-stream, you should swim down.
With my system, I promise you'll be fatter, weaker, and more miserable than you are today...in only 10 days!
Why would you want this, you ask? Because it's yours for the taking. It's something you can actually DO.
Step 1: Set Very Low and Attainable Goals
The problem most people have is they set their sights too high and their goals way up in the clouds. No wonder they never reach them! Remember all those tests you had to take in school, the homework? Your math teacher would have the audacity to EXPECT things from you after each lesson. That's what my brother is always up to.
The Iron Samurai thinks if he sets the bar high and works hard to inspire you, that you can achieve any goal you put your mind to.
What an idiot!
That mushy-gushy B.S. sounds good on paper, but in the real world - where you and I live - you are doomed to failure. There is NO way you will ever reach success. That's for other people. Give up now.
It is far smarter to figure out the easiest goals you can possibly achieve, and go for those. Only work toward sure things, guaranteed makes. Never, never, never take risks.
- If you load the bar for a front squat and you are not 100% positive that you can make it, don't even try.
- If you want to lose fat and get in shape, but you aren't already lean and muscular, what's the point of even trying?
- When you meet someone who you think might be "the one", but they are good looking and smart, don't bother. What would they want with you, anyway?
My cardinal rule is if you don't play the game, you can't ever lose. Safety first!
Step 2: Don't Try Too Hard
I don't know what my brothers deal is. But his constant yammering about "trying harder" is getting on my nerves. What's the point? You get all sweaty in the gym, you grunt and yell, and you look like a moron. Ever seen your face in the mirror when you're going for a max effort lift? Disgusting.
Working out in the gym is undignified already - what with the stupid spandex clothes and silly looking shoes - without adding to it uncomfortable feelings and body odor.
Not to mention the risk of injury. CrossFit, weightlifting, powerlifting, sprinting, pull ups, push ups, squats, deadlifts, presses...all code names for hurting yourself!
Do yourself a favor and keep it mellow. There is no reason to try hard at anything in life. If things don't just magically flow to you, you weren't meant to have them.
Step 3: Give Up Half Way Through
You see, with most goals, you have to stick with the plan to see any progress. You actually have to DO stuff, for the LONG haul.
Come on, we've got A.D.D., here. There is no way, for all that is good and holy, that any of us is going to stick to a plan for longer than a few days at a time. We're going to start strong, and peter off almost immediately. Think back to all of the goals you've set for yourself over the course of your life. How many did you reach? Not many.
- What about learning Spanish? Did you do that?
- How about losing that last 20 pounds of fat? Nope.
- Women, how many strict pull ups can you do?
- Men, can you snatch over bodyweight yet?
- Heck, The Iron Samurai, for all his hyperbolic posturing STILL hasn't finished his Masters Degree. What a slacker!
You see, you can set all the goals you want. And you can start on a program designed to get you there. But you won't finish the plan, you won't stick to it, and why would you? That kind of goal-oriented lifestyle is for nerds.
Sure, they seem happy, these geeks who actually DID their homework, who hit the gym regularly, who accomplish things, and keep improving. But wouldn't you rather spend your days playing Mario Kart, drinking booze, and brooding? I know I would!
So, how do you know if the goal you are driving towards is too much for you? That's easy. You'll know when you run into a set-back. You see, any goal that is appropriate for you will be easy and effortless to achieve. Anything more than that and clearly you've overreached.
If at any point you fail, that is a sign from the Almighty you are doing the wrong thing. Quit and turn around. It is a fools errand to continue working toward a goal you just proved you can't reach.
Don't be conned by these coaches with their fancy words like "hard work" and "consistency". That junk won't get you anywhere.
People who are strong were born that way and had advantages you don't - they're probably on steroids, too. People who are lean and fit were always lean and fit. (Gillian Michaels SAYS she was a fat kid, but we've never seen the picture.)
Doing great things in life is for other people. In the REAL world, you will always be about where you are. Go with it! Heck, make it worse. THAT'S something you can honestly do.
Eat more junk food, avoid the gym like the plague, be mean to and alienate the people who love you, and try to get fired from your job.
And whatever you do, don't listen to what my brother says. That guy is trying to set you up to be better tomorrow than you are today. What a joke!