It’s true that you don’t know what you don’t know, and I’ll be the first to admit there’s a lot that I don’t know. Any coach worth working with will tell just the same (that’s why we have coaches too). But my job as coach is to give you a new perspective. I’m here to get you out of the box.

Draw A Bigger Box

Each of us lives in a box of our own making. Over the years, we draw boundaries on what we perceive is possible. Of course, our culture and upbringing play a big part in defining the edges, but at the end of the day the box you live in is simply the story you tell yourself about yourself.

For a while, the box I lived in was defined by boundaries like:

• I’ll only be successful if I get a “real” job
• I’m stuck with pain
• Men have chiseled abs and huge biceps
• I don’t need help
• I have to be the smartest guy in the room to be worthwhile

That’s all kind of bullshit, right? But we can’t see that when we’re living in it. We look at the boundaries of our box and see hard lines. A coach is there to help you see that those hard lines aren’t so solid after all.

If you’re willing to do the work, you can draw a bigger box for yourself. It comes from a shift in how you see the world. Your performance in life depends on your actions. In turn, your actions stem from your perception of how the world works. If you can shift that perspective, your actions and performance automatically shift as well.

There are three questions we can use to make that change possible. The answers can be uncomfortable, but I encourage you to lean in. Growth happens at the edges.

Where Are We Now?

Change starts with awareness. When you bring awareness to something, you have a choice to act on it. And that’s the most liberating thing in the world. It’s time to take an honest look at your current context. What are the edges of the box? You could keep this physical, and say you weigh however many pounds. lift XYZ pounds in the big three, and your 10k time is such and such.

That’s a fine starting point. Now dig deeper. What do your current habits look like? What’s your mindset like? How are your relationships? How is your environment? As Frank Forencich of Exuberant Animal says, we need to look at “Long Body Health,” a combination of person, habitat, and tribe. You don’t live in a vacuum. Each of these factors plays a role in how you look, feel, and perform.

Get clear on where you are now. Only then can you decide where you want to end up.

Where Do We Want To Be?

Ask yourself: if not this, what else? What do you want your life to look like? My favorite coaching question is simply: what else?

After you run that marathon, then what? When you finally recover from that injury, where do you go next? Be curious about the big picture. You want to deadlift triple bodyweight… what else?

There’s never a top to the mountain. Each summit just gives us a better vantage point for the next peak. How high do you want to climb? Give yourself permission to be a giant. “Realistic” is an interesting word we throw around, but we’re talking about going past your current context. Who cares if your big picture goal is a bit unrealistic?

When you’re already redefining what you think is possible, why settle for goals that are “realistic?”

How Might We Bridge That Gap?

This choice of wording is deliberate. We’re not looking for definite solutions or the “right” answer. Look for all possible answers. This is where you can get creative. How might you go from Point A to Point B?

What’s keeping you from bridging the gap? Are there external limitations? Or are they internal? What can you do to get past them? Nobody can do the work for you. The hardest part about bridging the gap is realizing what’s blocking you. When you do, moving forward gets much easier.

The Real Secret Of Coaching

Coaches know quite a bit more than most folks, but the magic isn’t in any technique or trade secret. For me, the best part of being a coach is the moment people realize they don’t need a coach.

The power of having a coach lies in the fact that they help you see things from a new perspective. They challenge your preconceived notions about what you’re capable of, and they provide space to grow. They help you show up as a better version of yourself.

Until you hire a coach, you can use these questions to bring awareness to the edges of your box. You can start to do the work yourself and take active steps to change your perspective. When you do, you’ll be amazed at where you can go in your movement practice.

Are you just doing stuff, or are you training with purpose?

What’s the Point? Check In With Your Goals

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As part of my presentation, I showed this video:

And then I explained how BJJ is a complex knowledge domain and how I frequently describe and understand it through the lens of various learning theories and best practices. I explained how the principles of instructional design apply to the creation of learning experiences related to BJJ, and how my understanding of these principles helps me teach, learn, and write about it. Notably, there was nary a karate chop hand in the room (something grapplers are frequently confronted with by the well-meaning but uninformed), and only one or two comments about how I could probably beat up the other people in the room. In other words, the academics were open to the idea of discussing BJJ in a scholarly manner.

Choosing BJJ as the topic for a formal academic presentation was a big deal for me. I’ve discussed my academic background with many of my grappling colleagues, and I’ve argued that BJJ should be treated as a scholarly discipline. But the former has always been kind of relegated in a grappling context to the status of interesting factoid about me, and the latter, so far, an academic (no pun intended) exercise. This was the first time I claimed grappler status to a group of scholars in a way that incorporated that status as an integral part of my identity as a scholar as well, rather than as a mildly notable diversion from it. In other words, it was the first time I did the same thing for myself that I believe should be done for BJJ: I treated the grappler part of myself as on par with the academic part of myself, with no apology. As an aside, it was also the first time I had discussed BJJ while wearing a business suit. (Once many moons ago I was coerced into “demonstrating” some BJJ while wearing a bridesmaid’s dress, but that’s another story.)

Now that I have begun the process of allowing myself to marry two important aspects of my personality, I’m finding it to be quite profound as the next step on my BJJ journey (which, in my mind, is synonymous with my life journey). I’m contemplating the implications it has for how I allocate my time and energy. Here’s what I mean: These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can best contribute to the field of BJJ (which is how it would be referred to in academe: “the field.”) I want to give back because being involved in it has given me so much.

In a different article, I repurposed the idea of Salieri, a contemporary of Mozart, as a model for the many among us who grapple and want to make a contribution to grappling writ large. And my willingness to include my grappling persona as part and parcel of my academic persona feels like forward progress for me along the path of my own evolution. What I’m realizing is that claiming both of these facets of my identity simultaneously, for a single audience, is helping me develop a game plan for contributing to the field of grappling just as I have a game plan for my personal development as a grappler.

Particularly given the recent events in our community, we need smart, conscientious, motivated people to be working on ways to make us better, as a sport, as a subculture, and as individuals who populate these. (And my mom thinks I’m smart, conscientious, motivated, and cool, so there you go. Maybe your mom thinks the same things about you. So how do we build on that?)

The point is, my development as a grappler continues and will for as long as I live. Just when I think there are no more surprises in terms of how BJJ will affect and transform my life (I will always be surprised by how much there is to learn technically, of course), I’ll come to yet another profound realization about my training and myself. This most recent realization in the form of a melding in my mind of these aspects of my personality and identity is resulting in a shift of focus outward and toward the long view. I’m getting in deeper and deeper, and in more and more ways, even after many years, during which I have on multiple occasions (mistakenly, of course) thought to myself, “Now I’ve seen everything.”

When I first started training many years ago, I just went to class and got my ass kicked. Then I decided to build my life around it, quitting jobs, selling condos, tearing lifestyles up by the roots. I turned my back on the self I had been until then, although given what I turned my back on it for, I should have known better about turning my back on anything. Farther on, I decided to try to strike a better balance between being a grappler and being the rest of me, which had never really gone away, of course. I got the opportunity to write about grappling-related things that are important to me, things that, gratifyingly, turn out to have resonance with others too.

Slowly, I started to understand how my actions, positive and negative, might have an impact on others in the field, and slowly, I’m starting to understand what I want those actions to be and how to make them happen. I’m turning my focus outward by continuing to look inward.

This process changes, yet again, what I have historically believed to be what it means for me to be involved in BJJ. Now, being immersed in BJJ means wearing a suit sometimes, and abstracting principles about life that apply across contexts. And sometimes it means not actually training two-a-days five days a week because thinking and writing about it in the ways I do are time-consuming and psychically taxing (but I love those aspects of it and consider it a gift that I am able to indulge in them). So, yet again, for the umpteenth time in what feels like as many years, my orientation to BJJ is shifting as my understanding of myself does the same thing.

What does it mean for you to self-actualize in the context of BJJ? What do you want to accomplish? What benefits and responsibilities might accompany that process for you, and what are the implications for you – and for us?

Photos courtesy of Shutterstock.

The post Merging Selves: My Continued Development as a Grappler and Its Larger Meaning appeared first on Breaking Muscle.

In the intervening decades, I have softened a bit, as I have learned more about myself and as I have come to realize how powerful my thoughts are in creating my experience. Among other things, I now am open to reading books and watching movies on self-help and positive thinking, books and movies that my 12-year-old self would have rolled her eyes at and made fun of in an effort to get the laugh. I see now that for me there is actually something to be said for self-help and positive thinking, because I have applied them to my own life and seen a return on my investment.

But the edge hasn’t completely gone away, which I realized when I picked up Way of the Peaceful Warrior: A Book That Changes Lives by Dan Millman. The book tells the story of college student and world-class gymnast Dan, who is surprised to find his schoolwork and athletic pursuits do not fulfill him as he had expected they would. Early in his college career, he stumbles upon a filling station whose night shift is covered by an old man. Dan eventually befriends the old man and nicknames him Socrates, both because the man refuses to reveal his real name and because over time he ends up serving as Dan’s mentor and spiritual guide.

Set in the 1960s, the book takes the reader on Dan’s multi-year journey toward enlightenment. As he works with Socrates and tries to internalize messages about living in the moment and perceiving oneself as interconnected with all other living things, Dan finds more inner peace, more success in his athletic pursuits, and more fulfillment. Socrates presents Dan with a series of challenges ranging from fasting to meditation to controlling his breathing, slapping him about the head when he proves to be obstinate or dismissive. (Better him than me.)

He teaches Dan that the way of the peaceful warrior “is not about invulnerability but absolute vulnerability – to the world, to life…(A)warrior’s life is not about imagined perfection or victory; it is about love. Love is a warrior’s sword; wherever it cuts it gives life, not death.” Dan learns to be present, to experience himself as connected to the world and not apart from it. He controls his ego, learns to laugh at himself, and heightens his awareness rather than sleepwalking through life.

So far, so good, and not unlike many other books I’ve read that delve into self awareness, the quest for purpose in life, and a little bit of spirituality. Where the pre-teen in me has something to say is in some of the prose, in some of the more magically realistic images, and in some of the choices the protagonist makes that seem at odds with the central message of the story.

In terms of the prose, the book isn’t breaking any literary molds. Perhaps this is an issue inherent in writing about this kind of subject matter, but some of the rhetorical choices are a bit precious for my personal taste, and they drive home the nature of the book rather than enabling me to get lost in the story and make my own connections.

With respect to the magical realism, Socrates facilitates time travel for Dan and, we are led to believe, Dan either honestly engages or has a vision that he engages in mortal combat with his shadow side/evil, with his life actually hanging in the balance.

And finally, toward the end of the book, Dan completes the leg of his journey that involves Socrates by appearing to shirk his familial responsibilities and travel the world instead. As a firm believer myself in the educative and self-actualizing powers of travel (and as a semi-retired traveling dirtbag), I understand how rewarding it can be to chuck it all and allow the search for self to become a geographically diverse one. But as an adult, I also understand that doing so while leaving others to hold the bag is selfish and irresponsible.

None of these issues precludes a snarky reader like me from benefitting from the book, but it does require a bit of fancy footwork to distract my inner seventh grader. I recommend Way of the Peaceful Warrior both for its message and for its flaws. The message is a timeless one infinitely relevant to all those who are looking for a way to matter in their own lives, and the flaws are a good reminder that we all have work to do, even those whose work provides guidance to the rest of us.

“Way of the Peaceful Warrior” is available for $10.31 at Amazon.com.

The post Book Review: “Way of the Peaceful Warrior” by Dan Millman appeared first on Breaking Muscle.

Self-awareness isn’t something I just decide to have, however. Over time, I discovered that the way I uncover pieces of my own psychic puzzle follows a fairly predictable process. Of course, while I’m in the throes of it, I have no idea what’s going on and feel like I’m floundering around in the deep end, but with the benefit of hindsight, I can clearly see how it works. Read on for a description of how I progress, bit by bit, toward self-knowledge.

Step 1: I pay attention to frustrations.

Frequently my self-awareness breakthroughs are precipitated by a sense of frustration in some aspect of my life because things aren’t going the way I want them to. And while this can be, well, frustrating, the feeling can actually start to bring to conscious awareness a subconscious tendency that might be hindering me. This can actually be very challenging and require several big smacks upside my head before I take notice. But eventually, the dissatisfaction I may feel about a certain part of my life slowly becomes something I can articulate. And once I can name it, I can address it.

Let’s say I’m feeling stymied because I’m not improving at guard passing as quickly as I would like to or think I should be. I can just stew about it, or I can start to pay attention. The fact that I want to stew is the first indication that some kind of self-awareness breakthrough will eventually be the payoff for what’s about to come next – if I do my part.

Step 2: I look for patterns.

Now that I’m good and irritated, it would be really tempting to blame the world for my tribulations. And many people do just this. But in doing so, they are putting the locus of control for their lives outside of themselves. They might feel better about themselves in the short run, but in the long run, they’ll feel lousy because nothing will change for the better. So, with apologies to Animal House, instead of pointing fingers at others, at this point it’s time for someone to put his foot down. And that foot should be me.

In my guard-passing hypothetical, I might start to keep a training journal to see if there are any patterns I haven’t otherwise been able to identify. I may think I have a good sense of my training habits, but sometimes seeing them in black and white can be telling. And squirm inducing. Upon review of my journal, perhaps I discover I have missed class or had to leave early one out of every three classes in the previous month. Or perhaps I keep ending up on the bottom when I train so I can’t practice the target behaviors.

Step 3: I ask for input.

At this point, my frustration has led me to try to identify behavior or thought patterns that might be causing me to stagnate. Now I need to put my ego aside (sigh) and see if someone else can round out the picture. Perhaps at this point I ask my coach or a trusted teammate to observe as I work on guard passing drills. Or I roll with someone, making sure to be on top so I can practice passing, and then ask that person for feedback. Perhaps s/he will notice that I repeatedly make the same mistake or repeatedly miss a specific detail. And obviously I didn’t know I was doing it or I would have stopped.

Step 4: I despair.

Maybe some people get to skip this step, but it’s the one I seem to do quite well. It’s not easy to come to unflattering realizations about myself, and when I do, sometimes it feels like a punch in the stomach from which I have to take time to recover. Even if it’s something seemingly minor like acknowledging that I let other aspects of my life take precedence over my guard-passing goals, or that I’m human enough to need more work to understand all the nuances of a movement pattern, it’s still uncomfortable to own my imperfections.

So when a new realization dawns on me that is tough to acknowledge, I frequently recover with naps, snacks, and not a small amount of wallowing. And of course all of this varies directly as to the nature of the imperfection. (In other words, the bigger the weakness, the bigger the bowl of ice cream.) I’m not proud of it, but it seems to be an integral part of my process.

Step 5: I resolve to do better.

When the nap is over and the snacks are gone, it’s time to get back to work. By that time, I’ve come to terms with this recently identified area in need of development. Frequently, I’m even excited to get to work. And things continue apace until the next shrouded corner of my psyche makes itself available for me to contemplate.

I find this process works in all aspects of my life, not just in my athletic endeavors. What are YOU frustrated about? Your love life? Your career? Your own athletic pursuits? See if you can follow the thread of that frustration all the way through the process of becoming more self-aware. And post your experiences to comments.

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