It is easy to get our kids doing push-ups with us and to comment, “Wow, I couldn’t do push-ups like that when I was your age. You are so strong!” Likewise, when our kids are playing at the park and we watch them beat their friends in a race, we might comment later about how fast our little guy is and when his sister is running circles around the soccer field we naturally let her know how athletic she is.

Unfortunately, these typical positive reinforcements are all sending the same debilitating message: “You are exceptional because of the outcome you just produced.” In effect, we tie their identity to a positive outcome and thus create a deep fear of any experience that might produce a different outcome. We instill a fear of failure.

When the boy’s PE class tests 40’s the next year and junior finds that he is in the middle of the pack, he is more likely to conclude he is no longer fast—that his natural gifts have fallen behind. Feeling his identity threatened, he will likely shy away from racing faster kids and begin to only engage in competitions where victory is likely.

Likewise, when his sister faces harder competition in soccer, she’ll assume it demonstrates she isn’t athletic. Rather than motivated by the competition, she is more likely to dislike this challenge and elect to play at a lower level.

I’ll be the first to say that it is no big deal if Sally doesn’t want to take on the soccer world and become the next Mia Hamm. Soccer isn’t the point. The point is the relationship our children are growing towards engaging challenges.

When we praise outcomes, we train them to only seek the most elementary of tasks because these present certain victories. These allow them to maintain the identities all the adults were constantly trying to build through their affirmations.

Eventually, our kids will be a shell of their potential because they avoided the challenges that forge capability. They’ll be less skilled at math because difficult problems proved they were “dumb at it.”

They’ll be disinterested in the piano because they weren’t “naturally good at it.” They’ll be less likely to take any risks or compete with anyone better because these essential experiences pose a great threat to their identity. So, what do we do?

Praise with Caution

Stanford Psychologist, Carol Dweck, conducted a study with over 400 fifth grade students. One by one, each student was taken out of their class and taken to a testing room where they were given a set of “moderately difficult” problems.

After completion, the set was scored. All students were told they’d done well. Some were further praised for the ability their performance indicated: “Wow, you must be smart at these problems.” Others were praised for their effort: “Wow, you must have worked hard at these problems.”

Then, the researchers gave students a far harder problem set. When each student finished they were told that they’d done poorly. Researchers asked students if they’d like to take this more challenging problem set home to practice. The kids praised for effort were far more likely to take these problems home than those praised for their ability.

Even more, when given a third set of problems, those praised for effort outperformed those praised for ability and when given the option, at the end, of reading how they could improve their test performance and seeing their peer’s results, the effort-praised were far more likely to learn how to improve, while the ability praised wanted to know how their peers had done. One group knew they could improve and were invested, while the other felt defined by innate talent and were only curious to rank themselves.

Dweck has since repeated many similar studies across many age ranges, all yielding similar results. The take-home message is clear. Praise effort, not ability.

Effort and response are all we control in life. Our environment obsesses on superficial immediate outcomes and telling people they are the product of their environment. The failed self-esteem movement deluded us all into thinking we should just tell everyone they are special. We should have been telling them that if they want to be special they’ll need special effort.

Photography by Jeffrey Perez of Oahu, Hawaii

The truth is, all that matters at the individual level is that we learn that we can respond to life’s feedback, grow, and adjust course more intelligently. Our challenges and failures are life’s greatest gift because they reveal weaknesses we can strengthen with a little effort. Hasn’t that always been the beautiful truth of training?

This Week’s Mission

Notice. Start to notice how you and others praise kids. Do we praise the things they control like kindness, effort, persistence, and discipline—or do we praise perceived innate qualities like intelligence, athleticism, and musical ability?

To take this to the next level, consider how we respond to external circumstances. Do we say it is bad weather, we can’t go outside, or do we say, it’s rainy so let’s get our rain boots and umbrella and jump in some puddles? April showers are on their way.

The post Complacency or Tenacity: It’s as Simple as What You Praise appeared first on Breaking Muscle.

Strength is the ability to overcome resistance and the capacity to endure external force. Life is a revolving door of resistance and pressure. Despite the delusions of a safe-space culture, this is inevitable and necessary. Fulfilled people find strength from the resistance.

They adapt, grow, and are made into a greater version. Others feel victimized that the world didn’t acquiesce their narrow, ego-centric wants. The lesson is sacrificed to a pattern of self-pity that only further entrenches their neurotic mental distortions. There are many factors separating the empowered from the unfulfilled, but none so important as the development of strength.

The Value of Consistent Exercise

When we engage in a consistent exercise practice, we are willingly entering resistance in pursuit of greater capability. We learn to push our boundaries and will ourselves out of stasis. By consistently facing physical resistance, we gain confidence to enter the resistance that permeates every other meaningful life endeavor. Even with the host of health and aesthetic benefits, these mental lessons are the most important result of physical training.

Photography by Jeffrey Perez of Oahu, Hawaii

The opposite is also true. Every time you skip a workout, you subconsciously excuse the pattern of avoiding resistance throughout life. For those thinking about quitting their New Year’s fitness regiment, this, more than anything else, should cause you to reconsider.

You can always begin training in a different manner, but physical training is a prerequisite for inspired living. What’s more, if you don’t model that strength, your children will struggle to find it for themselves. Your reluctance to become greater also becomes theirs.

Resistance is the prerequisite for capability and possibility. Even those effortless peak moments of flow are only possible through a pattern of consistently leaving your comfort zone and acting for a greater purpose.

If you find yourself on an amazing Mediterranean cruise, sipping wine, staring into the eyes of your beloved wife as you salsa the night away, you are realizing the fruits of consistent resistance. You took the time to learn to salsa. You’ve maintained the physical vigor to travel and dance.

Uncountable hours have gone into your work so that you can afford this trip, and you’ve resisted the urge to blow your money on less fruitful experiences. Most importantly, your marriage undoubtedly has faced conflict and required sacrifice. Your commitment to the process of resistance and adaptation has allowed you to persist through it all and come out stronger.

Most people spend their lives trying to avoid resistance and pressure. Deluded by the belief that the discomforts of training are harsh and awful, their lives become a cycle of searching for superficial pleasures and distractions. They remain in their comfort zone, trapped by self-imposed limitations, refusing to engage in the experiences that would transform them—convincing themselves that they just aren’t that type of person.

You Actually Love Resistance

Like our immune systems, we require challenge in order to serve a purpose. The revelation of Sebastian Junger’s book, Tribe, is that repeatedly, throughout history, humanity has thrived in times of chaos. Disaster pulls us back into fulfilling nomadic patterns of purpose, connection, and mutual dependency.

For example, when the Nazis dropped bombs on top of London and across Britain throughout the nearly four-month Battle of Britain, the incidence of mental health disorders declined drastically. The same counterintuitive results have been seen in Hurricane Katrina and nearly every other disaster.

Humans are quite resilient. Rather than fractured by trauma, often it is those who’ve faced the most resistance who are strongest. Strength is only built from difficulty. Struggle is inevitable in our lives. However, if we are deceived into thinking that we should not be facing resistance—that having problems is a problem—then we guarantee mental angst and that we will be unfit for the revolving door of challenges that naturally arise.

“Humans don’t mind hardship, in fact they thrive on it; what they mind is not feeling necessary.”

Sebastian Junger

Thus, the happiest people intentionally seek resistance. They go to the weight room. They struggle to learn gymnastics or Brazilian jiu-jitsu. They rock climb, run, and bike. They engage challenging experiences that illuminate different perspectives and possibilities while orienting them to a sense of personal meaning.

When juxtaposed against the norms of modern childhood, it becomes clear why our youth are so unhappy, unhealthy, and reluctant to engage in any experience outside their phones. Society has obsessed upon removing all adversity in hopes that they can give children the outcomes they want for them.

You can’t. Happiness is predicated on the individual becoming capable, competent, and driven to contribute those earned capacities towards a meaningful purpose. We can’t do this for our kids. But, we can show them how to be strong.

The Parenting Pendulum Swings to New Extremes

When a baby is born the parent’s duties extend no further than providing and protecting. However, as children age, the focus should gradually shift towards creating capability and the inclination to contribute towards a purpose. Providing and protecting maximally will conflict with these priorities.

I make sure that my twenty-two month old’s primary needs are covered, but the bulk of my focus goes into manipulating the environment to make sure he faces appropriate resistance in order to grow. As he ages, I will consistently remove dependencies while adding resistance in the form of more responsibilities.

I’ll provide the means, but he will make his own breakfast. I’ll provide the lawnmower, but he will mow the lawn. I’ll provide the expectation, but he will be responsible for his grades and experience lost privileges if he does not give adequate effort. The idea is to shift more emphasis into fostering self-reliance so that he expects to earn his own way and is strong and confident enough to pursue dreams.

My approach could be taken to extremes—encumbering him with far too much work while never bothering to mitigate the dangers of power tools—but, this is not the norm.

“It is not the young people that degenerate; they are not spoiled until those of mature age are already sunk into corruption.”

Charles de Montesquieu

The current standard model of parenting is to provide, far past any reasonable age, to protect from all pain, and to solve every problem for our children. Today’s bulldozer parents obsess on giving outcomes while neglecting to foster capability and interests.

They give more than was once conceivable, but their children are unable to become more. Parents refuse to let their children roam away from their safety net and blunt any natural feedback mechanism that could have prompted personal correction prior to the more painful manifestations, like obesity and depression.

Absent of experience and resistance, the youth remain weak, incapable, and lost. These norms are only exacerbated by the cultural norms children are immersed within. Lucky Charms and Pop Tarts are normal breakfasts. School days are a revolving door of sweets and sitting.

Students come home only to sit and play Fortnite or lose themselves in social media scans. Lobotomized children are rarely at imminent risk of physical peril, even as their bodies and minds slowly decay. Both biological addiction and social pressure conspire to keep kids scrolling and seeking their next fast food fix.

Immersed in comfort and convenience, we’re experiencing the hardest time ever to be a parent. It’s easy to pull your children to purpose, authenticity, and capability when there is a dire need for sacrifice. We thrive in times of necessity like the great depression and World War II. Connection, competency, and authenticity are just the norm.

Modern affluence, on the other hand, has allowed “provide and protect” to go too far. The American Dream of building a better life for yourself has been perverted to a dream of giving children everything they could ever want. We must seek to make our children capable, not comfortable.

The Strength to Fight Our Standard Model

So, how can you fight the cultural tide of dependency? How do you fight the standard model? The best thing you can give your kids is consistency, strong boundaries, and a better model.

Consistency is built from clear values. Value strength, effort, responsibility, and playful exploration. Despite the commentary you’ll elicit from the over-coddling masses, these are the most loving gifts you could ever offer.

There is no stopping your children’s exposure to the culture of dependency on sweets and tweets and you could be too extreme, provoking rebellion. By consistently explaining the why behind your beliefs and allowing kids the freedom to experience how others live while outside your home, you’ll imprint a strong impression they come to respect and emulate.

Still, we need to own the environments we can control. Create clear boundaries at the home for nutrition, phones, screentime, and behavior. Immersed in a culture of impulse we can’t expect our kids to naturally make the right decisions in regard to mental and physical health. Absent of boundaries, youth today will fall into very real addictions to unnatural foods and smartphones. We must be strong parents with the intent to do what is right, rather than popular.

An awesome life is only built from strength. Model that. It all starts with the discipline of physical exercise. Many use the busyness of raising children as their excuse to stop training. Children must learn that they aren’t the center of the universe. Furthermore, your health and training example is the greatest gift you can give them.

Enter resistance as a habit of daily life and your children will learn to do the same. This then will give you the strength to set strong habits in regards to eating, tech-use, relationships, and standing for convictions. Your model is the best antidote to the standard model youth will see everywhere else.

“The standard model is life as we know it. It is the promise of happiness and fulfillment if you only just follow the expected and “normal” path through Western life.”

Justin Lind

We cannot be fulfilled unless we grow into strong, capable people, empowered to chase our own dreams. Immersed in modern norms this strength is more necessary than ever. It takes strength to exercise, to eat well, and to adopt self-nourishing practices outside this insane standard model. We all grew up in this environment. We’re all working at a disadvantage. Embrace a personal responsibility to overcome circumstance and be strong anyway.

Your children need you to be strong. They’ll become your model far more than any abstract vision you have for them. Strong parents. Strong kids.

This Week’s Mission

If you’ve been following along you’ve seen the foundational philosophy behind my effort to create a stronger generation. Each article has come with a mission. In an effort to create more clarity and support, I’ll also be developing a Strong Parents—Strong Kids video series and beginning to address more specific strategies and interventions to create conditions that promote thriving, healthy, strong families.

Let’s get to the basics of strength. How about an old-fashioned strength workout? If you have a favorite, go for it. If not, here is mine:

Warm Up (2 Rounds):

• Superman x10
• Push Ups x10
• Pull Ups x5
• Split Squats x5 per side (5 second pause at bottom of each)

The Workout:

1. Front Squat – 5, 3, 2 (add weight each set)
2. Side Plank – 3×15 seconds per side
3. Bird Dog – 3×5 per side
4. Romanian Deadlifts – 3×5
5. 1-Arm Push Ups or Typewriter Push Ups – 3×3 per side
6. Bent-Over Rows – 3×10
7. Bar Roll-Out – 3×10

Short, sweet, and to the point. Perfect for busy parents.

If you haven’t already, get the Essential Guide to Self-Mastery for free and begin the Self-Mastery Training Plan. A self-possessed parent will pass these gifts on to their children. What could be more important than mastering yourself so that you can become the person you want to be?

Life is too short to be normal.

Continue by reading Strong Parents, Strong Kids Part 2.

The post Strong Parents, Strong Kids appeared first on Breaking Muscle.

Today it is normal to eat exclusively processed, convenience foods, to remain indoors all day except for trips in our temperature controlled cars, to feel pulled and prodded by constant message alerts, and to sit all day, predominantly with our face in a screen while being passively entertained. Normal is a relative term.

What is normal is not normal. The human biology expects sunlight, constant movement, physical novelty, whole, natural foods, close relationships built upon shared purposeful efforts for survival, and a generally slow life pace.

Today it is normal to eat exclusively processed, convenience foods, to remain indoors all day except for trips in our temperature controlled cars, to feel pulled and prodded by constant message alerts, and to sit all day, predominantly with our face in a screen while being passively entertained. Normal is a relative term.

Very few forces are as powerful as the human need to belong. Consequently, we naturally tend towards herd mentality, behaving as the masses do, regardless of personal benefit. In fact, we’ll adopt odd “normal” behaviors without even realizing they directly contradict our desires, or that we could choose not to.

The standard model of life that we’ve been handed has created a devastating global health picture and all signs point to this trend worsening in our youngest generation. Now, more than ever, we must be willing to question what is normal and carve a different path.

Freedom is not just having the ability to behave as we wish, but knowing why we choose those behaviors. Through reflection and education, we truly become free and are then able to craft an environment that pulls our family to health and vitality.

If wondering where to start, I recommend exploring these six norms that may be making your family less healthy.

1. Having “Kid Food” Around

There is a widespread belief that there should be a distinction between kid’s foods and adult foods. I’ll never forget a client telling me how she ate well for most meals, but often found herself snacking on her kid’s chips or popping a soda. When I suggested she stop keeping these foods in the house, she responded angrily, “I’m not going to not have chips and sodas for my kids.”

I’ve even seen this in healthy parents who make separate meals for their children so the young ones aren’t subjected to nutritious eating, as if this was a torturous experience. They’ll have roasted chicken, brown rice, and mixed vegetables while making chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, or frozen pizza for the young ones.

We’ve been sold the belief that kids can only eat chicken in nugget form, fish in fried stick form, and that the rest of their diet should come from packaged junk. While it is true that palates have to develop, children have always eaten natural, whole foods.

Fruits, vegetables, meat, seeds, and nuts have been the only available foods for almost all of human history. Roasted vegetables, sweet potatoes, and fish are actually childhood favorites when children aren’t engulfed in a world of Pop Tarts and pudding that only further serves to warp their palate. Without a diet predominantly consisting of whole foods, children are virtually ensured of future struggles with health and eating.

Make it simple. Make meals from foods that could have existed 10,000 years ago and have your children eat what you do. Ice cream and other desserts are wonderful occasional treats, but they should require a special trip, not be an always available temptation.

2. Driving As Your Only Mode of Transportation

For most of human history, human muscle moved us wherever we went. Today locomotion outside of our sanitized home or office environment is typically outsourced to the automobile. We even drive across the work campus or endlessly circle in search of a closer parking spot.

Most people struggle to find time for fitness while neglecting to incorporate normal activity into their everyday life. Why is there a need to drive your kids to school if it is less than a mile away? Why must you drive to work if it is just across town? My daily trip to work only went from 10 to 20 beautiful minutes when I switched to a bike commuting lifestyle.

According to the CDC, 71.6% of Americans over age 20 are overweight. Healthcare costs are unsustainable, and yet we drive when it would be almost as easy to use human muscle.

Help your kids break free of this pattern. What a model it would be to make it standard practice to bike when round trips are 10-miles or less, or to walk to pick your kids up from school until they are old enough to walk home themselves.

Despite modern helicopter norms, this is the goal of parenting: to create self-sufficient people capable of creating a purpose and contributing to something bigger than themselves. As much as it scares us we should want them to have this desire for independence and exploration. It sure beats smartphone addiction.

3. Letting Kids Have a TV in the Bedroom

Our environment is powerful. If cookies are always on a plate in the kitchen, we’ll probably make it a norm to grab one while walking by. Replace that norm with a bowl of fruit or ants on a log (peanut butter and raisins on celery), and our snacking norms change.

Screens are an especially pervasive temptation in the modern world. They bring an infinite number of messages. Nowadays, televisions are the focal point of our homes, constantly beckoning us to sit down and stop conversations. But at least we share the programs. They can provide talking points, mutual laughter, and a communal experience not too much different from the primal experience of fireside stories.

Yet, in a kid’s bedroom, the TV brings no positives and many negatives. It is a constant source of distraction from study, reading, getting out to play, or trying any creative endeavor. It is a pull towards more time in isolation and more ability to avoid dealing with potential family conflicts. Most destructively, it is a recipe for poor sleep.

Adolescents and teens need 8 ½ to 10 hours of sleep per night but tend to average 7 or less. Absent of this they will be foggy, moody, lacking concentration, and at increased risk for the poor decisions that characterize this age.

Their natural body rhythms pull them towards later hours, but school start times rarely honor that reality. Add extra-curriculars and socializing and it can be very difficult for teens to adopt a healthy sleep schedule. These struggles magnify tenfold when they have a TV in their bedroom, which they’ll inevitably watch from bed.

Dr. Craig Canapari, director of the Yale Pediatric Sleep Center, says that the number one thing you can do to help your kids avoid sleep problems now and into adulthood is, never put a television in their bedroom.

The only rationale I can see for putting a TV in bed is to appease your children, despite their own well-being. You are the parent. Be the parent.

4. Giving Kids Smartphones Without Boundaries

Nothing poses a greater risk to your children than that screen they can walk around with every hour of the day. The phone allows millions of messages to shape unhealthy beliefs and values, it prompts poor posture and sitting, it precludes face-to-face communication and overcoming social fears, and it wraps the mind in a vortex of anxiety and a compulsive need for distraction.

At least with the TV you sit and share a single program with other people. The smartphone isolates and constantly prompts you to search for the next best thing after only a brief superficial scan. Take everything wrong with having a television in the bedroom and multiply that by a trillion with the smartphone.

There is no culprit more responsible for the terrifying state of American physical, mental, and emotional health, particularly in childhood than smartphone ubiquity.

But, what are you gonna do, right? It is the world we live in, right?

Please, parents, piss your children off. Tell them no, not until 8th grade and not without tons of boundaries. Why open Pandora’s box too early? I’m sure I sound extreme, but this technology is extreme. While working in schools I’ve watched the lobotomization it renders on a generation and, it isn’t just them.

Parents line the park benches scanning furiously. Grandparents and babysitters take their children to bounce houses at odd hours so they can sit and scan their phones uninterrupted. We’ve all seen tech addiction and we’re all subject to the allure. Unchecked smartphone use is the path to a Wall-E type dystopia.

You can’t pretend smartphones don’t exist and you can’t hide them forever, but you can for a while. I highly recommend checking out the screen use recommendations of the American Academy of Pediatricians and using their Create Your Family Media Plan tool. It is very easy and will prompt you through ideas and nuances you may not have considered.

5. Not Managing Smartphone Alerts

As usual, we should start with our own model. Strong parents make strong kids. More often than not we are constantly pulled away from the moment by email dings, texts, and quick scans that turn into a 10-minute mental mindless scroll. This is only made worse by the Apple watch that now supersedes any phone away boundary to shove messages back in your face. Take that dinner time!

Simple recommendations that can help you take back control of your time and be more present for your family:

• Anything urgent should require a call. Go to your settings and silence all texts and email messaging. People will learn this about you and it will recalibrate their sense of what is urgent.
• Plan the times you will batch all messaging response.
• Plan the times you will use social media, apps, etc. For example, maybe you can batch this to two 30-minute blocks within your day. This takes the negative out and makes the tool work for you.
• While doing complex work, turn the phone on airplane mode and focus. You’ll get more done.
• After work or as you come to dinner, put the phone on a charger, away from you and your bedroom.
• Get an alarm clock. A single function device.
• Silence all calls and notifications a couple hours before bed. You can make exceptions for people you mark as favorites. This is quite easy to do actually.

6. Buying Into a Modern Youth Sports Culture

After the smartphone, this is truly the toughest insane norm to tread in the modern world. For most of you reading, youth sports were an amazing, integral part of your upbringing. Here we learned essential social skills, how to work on behalf of a team, and how to practice to improve. We played every sport, building a broad array of physical skills that nurtured a love of moving and play. It’s probably where you first fell in love with training.

Today, these foundational experiences have been completely perverted by conmen looking for easy money and a culture of over the top bulldozer parents, willing to pay any price to convince their child they are the center of the universe. Second graders have “signing days” when their parents pay for them to join the “elite” soccer team.

Third-grade football teams put the kids’ name on the back of the jersey and have a “pep-rally” every Friday night before Saturday games. Most disturbingly, at earlier and earlier ages, coaches try to convince players they are falling way behind without ridiculous travel, specialization, and expensive skills coaches.

Elementary school kids will have multiple evening practices per week, late games, and long Saturday tournaments. Family time evaporates under the guise that this is what you have to do. By middle school baseball and volleyball parents have conceded their wallets and their summer to travel ball. The family no longer has the option to vacation other than 1,000-mile trips to play athletes just like the ones in their own city.

Clearly, this is an article unto itself. The biggest take-home message is:

• This is not the best way to build athletes. Athletic participation is way down, meaning our talent pool is smaller and more kids miss out on these vital experiences. Furthermore, as detailed in the Long Term Athletic Development model, optimal athleticism follows age-appropriate, balanced exposure to sports.
• Youth sports should not be expensive and should not be all-encompassing. All the kids want to do is play the game with their friends. Remember that? We’d just go play sports with our friends without coaches or parents and we grew up doing it. Or, we’d go outside and play catch with mom and dad.
• Resist the urge to follow the masses into this crazy debt trap. Youth sports can be an amazing experience, but they shouldn’t be the only experiences. How you spend your time matters. Family dinner matters. Family vacation matters.

“It’s no sign of health to be well adjusted to a sick society.”

Krishnamurti

As usual, any broad rambling list will be full of prescriptions that don’t accommodate or appreciate your unique constraints and needs. There are major exceptions to nearly every point I’ve made, but I will stand by the underlying principles. Our standard model is a cultural conveyor belt towards poor health and dissatisfaction.

The best thing we can do is have the courage to buck the norms and live authentically, pursuing a path we earnestly believe in. This will take strength and require you to be counter-cultural. Your efforts matter. Strong parents make strong kids.

This Week’s Mission

Apply any of the suggestions from these six unhealthy norms. If you are unsure where to start, create a family media use plan. Having boundaries tends to offer a great deal of freedom. Without them, we are constantly pulled and prodded, controlled by a constant flood of habit-inducing notifications.

The post 6 Unhealthy Norms Plaguing Us All appeared first on Breaking Muscle.

Whether planned or unplanned, becoming a parent is one of the most life-changing events that can happen to a person. Recently, I’ve been thinking about all the transitions that take place for men becoming dads, and how natural movement might support these transitions.

I envision many potential ways natural movement could benefit new dads. Since I’m not a parent, however, I reached out to some dedicated young dads for a few different perspectives on fitness and fatherhood. Based on these insights, I’ll be offering some thoughts on how to apply natural movement in philosophy and practice to be the superhero they call “dad.”

Any parent will tell you that, while you can predict and plan, there is really no way to be fully prepared for this life transition. In taking responsibility for someone else, parents are thrust into new roles and challenges.

These changes do not diminish the importance of their health and fitness, but parents must make decisions about how they’ll manage their time and energy. When life shifts, it rattles the foundation of any routine. Health and fitness will inevitably be interrupted, but parents can reclaim balance by integrating new health practices into their parenting.

We’re given broad recommendations for what fitness should look like, but they are often framed as a hobby or obligation more than a way of life. Taking a lifestyle-oriented approach to fitness helps us optimize time and access deeper benefits. Fitness can keep us grounded and help us adjust to changes. Life’s unpredictability is only amplified by becoming a parent. The stakes are raised higher. When it comes to your health and fitness, it’s time to evolve, because it’s no longer just about you.

The Bigger Picture of Fitness

As a parent, every aspect of life is put in a new perspective. Fitness is no longer solely about sculpting a nice body or burning calories. There is a broader awareness that your personal health matters to your family. The idea that fatherhood could lead to a bigger picture understanding of health and fitness was fascinating to me. I had to know more, so I reached out to three health-minded dads in order to get an insider’s glimpse into fitness and fatherhood. Let’s meet them quickly:

• Logan is a self-proclaimed “professional dad” to a 9-month old boy. He recently attended a MovNat certification to learn more about how to make movement a bigger part of everyday life for himself and his family.
• Mike is a long-time friend of mine. He’s a father of two, an ex-Marine, and a firefighter. He’s an active and healthy guy, and trains as an amateur MMA fighter.
• Millar is an EMT from Melbourne. He’s passionate about movement and self-development for new dads. We connected recently on Instagram, and he was kind enough to share his story with me.

These men got deep and shared their experiences on fatherhood. Along the way, common themes emerged, and below I highlight the ways in which the philosophy of natural movement can support the journey through fatherhood.

Mortality and Minimalism

The men described a greater sense of their own mortality. They experienced a shift in perspective that their actions and practices around health are impactful not just to themselves, but their family as well. The ramifications of staying active and eating well became more tangible; their little people served as a constant reminder. This sense of mortality did not make them retreat, but question how they could make the most of their time. Slowly but surely, they began refocusing their priorities on sustainable health and being present for their kids.

“Being a dad, I started to gain a sense of my own mortality. I’m not going to be around forever and I want to make sure I’m healthy and strong for them.” – Mike

“Taking responsibility for myself, my habits, my health, has given me an awareness that transcends movement and applies directly to my ability to parent.” – Logan

Natural movement is an approach to training that develops practical ability and favors minimalism. Strength and mobility are trained to be applied in real-world settings. These qualities are developed for the sake of being helpful to others.

This minimalist approach emphasizes that we maximize benefit with less time and resources. Natural movement teaches us to make the most of situations and environments. Getting a great workout and spending quality time as a family need not be mutually exclusive.

Do you need a million-dollar gym to get your workout? Or just your kid and a climbing tree?

Adaptability and Releasing Expectations

The concept of “the dad bod” is a pop culture reference that has snowballed out of control. The idea is that amidst the new life demands of fatherhood, men will naturally fall out of shape. I asked our fit dads how they managed to stay looking svelte.

They expressed that fitness is something they do for themselves to be the best they can be for their family. Even with less time and more obligations, they maintained fitness as a priority. They admitted that although the nature of their workouts changed, they were willing to let go of their expectations. From their children, they learned adaptability, how to go with the flow.

These values are embodied within natural movement. A training session can take place anywhere, at any time. You train to adapt to your surroundings and accept any outcome. The workouts can work around or involve the kids. The experience becomes one in which fitness and family connection occur simultaneously.

“Fitness was a very regulated, scheduled, boxed in part of my day. Now, I don’t want to compartmentalize my family and my health. Why can’t they be the same? To do this effectively, I make movement a major part of my daily routine and my son participates too (usually as a weight). For me, movement and parenting aren’t two different things I practice, they are just what I do.” – Logan

Communication and Creative Problem Solving

Another common thread that came up was the male tendency to fix what’s broken. As men, we’re hardwired to be problem-solvers. We are conditioned to tackle obstacles head on and use brute force to impose our will. There are areas in life where this approach is successful, parenting is not one of those areas.

“I cannot fix a baby that doesn’t want to eat from a bottle. I cannot “fix” a baby at all. Like you can’t stop a moving train in its tracks, I cannot fight or try to impose my will. Being a dad as taught me that you have to jump on the train and manage the situation from the inside with skill and precision.” – Logan

“I can be very strong-willed at times, and when you have two 6-year-old girls who want a certain something, just arguing it out isn’t going to get you anywhere. I have had to work on my diplomacy, reasoning and communication.” – Millar

The fit dads described the need to improve communication and diplomacy in their interactions with their children. Rather than attempting impose their views by force, they have learned to soften their communication style and explore alternative solutions when issues arise. When tough questions arose, they committed to be being as unbiased as possible. When they did not know how to answer a question they were honest and committed to exploring answers.

We can also see these traditional male values of leadership and competition emerge in fitness and sport; we take charge and go hard towards our goals. Natural movement represents a shift in these ideals. Leadership is reframed through cooperative efforts and outside-the-box thinking.

Traditional fitness focuses on the application of intensity to imposed demands—the approach is straightforward. Natural movement training favors movement complexity and the application of strength and skill to meet the demands of a given environment. This shift may indeed foster the type of thinking that is conducive to effective parenting.

“You become a problem solver. Your kids look to you for answers for everything. It’s ok to not know some things, but I would say that it’s much better to say ‘I don’t know,’ rather than guess and give them wrong information. When it comes to things like war, religion, and sex I try and be as neutral as possible. I try and give both or multiple points of view to my kids, so that they understand that there isn’t always necessarily one ‘right’ way. The same goes for physical activity.” – Millar

Men are wired as problem solvers, but fatherhood requires more soft diplomacy than force of will.

Modeling Behavior

The desire to be a positive role model in lives of their children is also a notable theme. Parents quickly become aware of the sponge-like nature of developing children, and are conscious that their actions speak louder than words. Modeling behaviors of health and fitness set a standard of “normal” human behavior that imprints on children. Kids see that adults exercise and want to imitate.

This is a first step, but in reality, we have it backwards. We encourage our kids to play, but in time, play gives way to a mixture of sports and desk culture. We are now seeing that play holds unique value that exercise does not address, such as variety and mental engagement. Natural movement integrates play and fitness to continue the physical development process we begin in childhood. It models movement as a practice that keep us healthy for a lifetime.

“I was completely into sports as a kid. My dad was more of an intellectual guy. We can already see a lot of my dad in my son. I know he might not be as into sports as I was, but I want him to have good experiences around moving. We’re conscious of not pressuring him into sports, but help him find the activities he loves. I just hope movement stays fun for him.” – Mike

Redefining Masculinity

I asked these guys how their definition of masculinity had changed since becoming dads. Their answers touched me. The common realization was that being masculine is about letting go of stereotypes and standing confidently in your commitments.

These guys described how awkward it initially felt to let their guard down. They had learned to present themselves as stoic and strong, but over time began to see the limitations in this rigid structure. In order to truly connect with their children, these men were happy to take on roles that challenged their traditional ideas of masculinity.

“My views on masculinity have definitely changed; that to be truly masculine is to be supportive, generative, and understanding your feminine qualities. To be truly masculine is about finding your own path or finding your ‘purpose’ and sticking to it.” – Millar

“I used to feel really weird about making up silly songs or dancing around the kitchen with the boy. It just wasn’t manly. I didn’t feel confident doing the soft, cuddly, nurturing stuff that came so easily to my wife. Eventually I figured it out though. One’s masculinity or femininity is not defined from society’s viewpoint, but comes from within. The only way I was being less masculine was by being less confident.” – Logan

Taking on new roles drove an expansion around their ideas of masculinity. They realized that singing and dancing, braiding hair, cooking, cleaning, and playing “make believe” are not inherently masculine or feminine, but parental privileges. These actions challenged their comfort zone and allowed them to develop a deeper sense of masculinity. They focused less on traditional gender roles, and more on internal confidence to define their masculinity.

Natural movement may also assist this expansion of our ideas on masculinity. Dynamic and softer expressions of movement are valued equally. Moving in complex environments creates opportunities to see ourselves in different ways. The context is all of human movement, rather than gender-specific training.

Being masculine doesn’t mean abandoning tenderness, but rather confidence in your purpose.

Natural Movement for Superhero Dads

The themes we’ve explored offer insight into the parallels between parenting and movement. Not only are there strong philosophical connections, but the application can fit well into the busy lives of parents.

Fitness can take on many different forms, but natural movement training is particularly well-suited for dads who strive to be superheroes for their children. Here are a few thoughts on how to bring natural movement training into both your fitness and your fatherhood.

Be a Student

As a parent, you are responsible for the development of your little humans, but understand just how much there is for you to learn along the way. You are simultaneously shaping and being shaped by your kids. Study how your children move through their different developmental stages.

Take note of how mother nature guides them to become competent movers through exploration. As they play at higher levels, see how they don’t require structured programs or periodization to make their gains. Notice that these gains are not just physical, but mental and emotional too.

Incorporate these concepts into your training. Your success as a parent is correlated with your personal development. While guiding your kids to be their best, also recognize they’re teaching you at the same time. Seeing the world through the eyes of a child can help you become a more mindful adult.

Interactive Workouts

It would be easy to claim you cannot get a workout in because there is no one to babysit, but there is a compromise. Let go of the need for an exact structure, and you’ll see new opportunities to train while being with your kids.

Lay in the grass and stretch together. Let them crawl over you while you stay stable. Chase each other in circles. Carry them. Balance on logs. Throw rocks into the lake. I could go on all day, the main point is that what they call “playing” and what you call “training” can be one in the same.

Yes, there will be a new set of parameters. They’ll challenge you to keep exploring, they’ll fuss at times, they’ll want to go longer or pack it in sooner. Adapt. Stay in the moment and make the most of it, and you will create something far beyond fitness.

Is it carrying your kid across the beach, or a loaded, asymmetric, odd object carry on a variable surface? Why not both?

Mobility

Your kids already have all the mobility they need for a childhood full of adventure. You, on the other hand, have been subject to a culture where acceptable adult behavior doesn’t include much movement.

Why don’t you move like they do? Because you’re “old,” or because you’ve been sitting in a chair every day since high school?

Playing with your kids is a chance to reclaim the mobility you’ve lost. Rather than fitting them into the box of how adults move, take cues from them on how to create mobility through more diverse movements. A simple place to start is by getting up and down from the ground.

Move your spine laterally and rotationally, move your limbs in all possible directions from different positions. This may seem abstract, but consider how wrestling match or a game of follow-the-leader would make this all happen organically.

A Child-Optimized Home

Children are constantly learning through their interactions with the environment. This does not stop in childhood, but we do “dumb down” our environments for the sake of excessive safety.

We create homes that are “child-proof,” where every potential danger is neutralized. I advocate for a “child-optimized” home, where serious dangers are accounted for and opportunities to play are abundant. Balance on 2”x4” boards. Set up a web made of string. Build a small climbing wall.

Set up targets to jump to and play “hot lava.” Think of it as play permaculture. Yes, it takes some extra work, but the entire family can benefit from a more sensory-rich living space.

Strength Training

The gym will always be a viable option, but it’s not the only place where strength is built. Your kids will likely be willing training tools. Think of them as the ultimate odd object training. Squat, lunge, hinge, and press them overhead.

The fact that they are precious cargo means you’ll move more mindfully. Go explore nature together and seize the opportunities to lift rocks and logs; hang from playground equipment and trees. Get dirty, defy some social norms, demonstrate that there is value in taking calculated risks. Show them strength is more than a physical endeavor. As you build yourself, you’re imparting strong ideals.

Mold Your Fitness to Your Life

After delving into the stories of these dedicated family men and drawing some parallels to natural movement training, it becomes even more clear that fitness has a higher purpose. It is easy to see fitness as concept that we learn and replicate. Less often do we take the time figure out how to shape our fitness practice to support the roles and responsibilities we take on. Millar sums it up nicely here:

“I’m a firm believer that the kind of training you are doing in your life should match the life situation you are in. When I had just become a dad while in school, I did traditional strength training to support me physically, but more important mentally.

Now I have a bit more free time and am learning about as many different areas of fitness and movement as possible. During this phase in my life I am trying to be as creative as possible for my blog, an educational resource for my children, and also lead by example when it comes to listening and understanding to your body.

What I’m trying to say is that I believe the physical activity you do should be feeding your body and your mind so that it will push you to where you want to be.” – Millar

For those that choose the path of parenthood, it is likely to be the most important role they will play. Fitness can either be another obligation on the to-do list, or it can be an opportunity for self-development and family enrichment.

Natural movement training represents a shift in the approach that can bring men closer to their little ones. Through diverse movement, communication, interaction, and adaptability, men can stay fit and healthy while staying grounded in the bigger picture of being the best caregiver, role model, and mentor possible.

Every dad is a superhero, and natural movement is a way they can fully own it.

Becoming a mom doesn’t mean the end of fitness, either:

Life After Kids: 4 Weeks to Get Your Fitness Back

The post Fitness and Fatherhood: Natural Movement for Superhero Dads appeared first on Breaking Muscle.

Little League and the Sad Truth

Pulling from my own vault of parental sports experiences, I always go back to this extreme, but true, example of a parental “what not to do and how not to be.” As these stories all seem to go, it came down to the Little League championship game. The score was 7-6 in the bottom of the final inning, bases loaded with the tying score on third. The count was full. My son pitched, the batter struck out, and my son’s team won. One team jumped and cheered, one team dejectedly cleaned up and left. The weekend passed.

On Monday, I received a phone call from the guidance counselor at the elementary school where my son (and the struck-out baseball player) attended school. I was asked to come in and speak with the guidance counselor, the assistant principal, and the parent of the batter who struck out. I attended the meeting and was absolutely shocked to discover the premise of the meeting: the parent of the struck-out batter wanted my son to apologize for striking the batter out, citing that the child’s feelings were hurt and his self-esteem was shattered. The parent furthermore revealed that the role of the pitcher was to let the opposing batters hit, in order to bolster their self-confidence and self worth as athletes. Needless to say, the meeting was not resolved to the satisfaction of the unhappy parent. Really and honestly, that is a ridiculously true story.

Sadly, as in the example cited above, the behavior of many parent spectators has driven the necessity to have behavior contracts for athletes and parents. Here, we go back to the communication triad – open communication between the athlete, the parent, and the coach. On the part of the coach or trainer, it is his or her responsibility to clearly delineate the acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors of both the parent and the child during practices and games or meets and to uphold those behavioral standards. It is the responsibility of the parent and child to enact and exemplify those expected behaviors.

Here is my advice on how not to be “that” sport parent:

1. Use Positive Encouragement

Do not heckle the coach, the players, or the referees and umpires. Abusive language and disparaging comments will not and should not be tolerated. Period. Are you an enthusiastic parent who cannot help but cheer for your child? Let it out – in a positive way. Cheer for the whole team, not just your child. While you are at it, if the other team made a great play, acknowledge it. What better way to exemplify sportsmanship than to acknowledge the athleticism of all players?

2. Support the Coach

From the non-sporting parent to the former professional athlete parent, the depth of support you can provide to your child and to the team is wide and varied. Attend parent meetings, read the rulebook, have your child arrive to practice on time, and pick your child up on time. If you played the sport, offer to help out with some practices, with the clear understanding that you are helping the coach, not taking over the coach’s job.

3. Address Issues Privately and Directly With the Coach

It is the parent and the athlete’s responsibility to address any and all issues with the coach – not with the other players or the other parents. Gossip, disparaging comments, and spreading rumors are divisive to team cohesion, violate sportsmanship, and undermine the coach. By the same token, give the coach a heads up and request a meeting ahead of time to discuss an issue, rather than keeping the coach after a practice or game. A pre-arranged meeting allows both you and the coach to focus on the issue and to resolve it without distractions. The coach cannot resolve an issue if he or she does not know about it.

5. Do Not Undermine the Coach

We all like to see our children do well. So does the coach. When your child is playing, whether it is at a practice or at a game, let the coach do his or her job – coach. As a spectator, your job is to watch and positively support your child and the team. When the game is over, it is over. This does not mean you are not allowed to work on necessary skill sets with your child, discuss the game, or discuss plays. It means the game is in the past and it is time to move forward. Do not be “that” sport parent who cannot let a losing game, bad play, or bad call go.

6. Teach and Model Good Sportsmanship and Behavior

Parents, coaches, trainers, referees, it does not matter. When working with youth athletes, in particular, our job is to teach and model good sportsmanship and good behavior. What we say and what we do is directly reflected back to us in the behaviors of the players on the field and on the bench. Enacting bad behavior and bad sportsmanship as a parent, coach, or trainer enables and encourages young athletes to do the same. If we, as parents, coaches, and trainers, are not held to a higher behavioral standard, then how can we hold our youth athletes to a higher standard?

Fortunately, bad sportsmanship and inappropriate behavior from parents is not contagious. Individually – as parent, coach, trainer, or referee – we have the ability to control our own behaviors, and, collectively, we can thwart inappropriate behaviors by not participating or engaging in them. Whether walking away from offending parents, ignoring offending parents, or informing a coach or a referee of the inappropriate behavior of parents, we have the power and the ability to stop aggressive and inappropriate parent behavior. Through positive role modeling of good sportsmanship and appropriate sports behavior, we can make good sportsmanship and good parental behaviors contagious. It really is that simple to not be “that” sport parent.

Photos courtesy of Shutterstock.

The post How Not to Be “That” Sport Parent: 6 Positive Actions You Can Take appeared first on Breaking Muscle.