The Life of a Competition Addict

I tracked everything for so many years. I weighed my food. I counted my Zone blocks. I’ve got training logs and lifting logs going back nearly a decade, with detailed notes about every aspect of every session.

I’ve got lists of personal records. Lists of Hero and Girl workout records. And lists of things I decided I needed to do about thirty seconds after I accomplished each personal record.

In other words, I’m not sure I ever enjoyed anything I accomplished. I was too busy plotting for the next accomplishment. Somebody else’s numbers were always better, or my improvement in number enticed me to further improve my own.

If I could row 2,000m in 8:05, then I should do it in under eight next time. If I could deadlift 225lbs for five reps, then I should lift 240 next time. If I could weigh 138lbs, then I should probably try to weigh 132.

Everything that was my ultimate goal became “not good enough” just seconds later.

It’s Not You, It’s Me

Welcome to the life of a competition addict. Competitive with myself and competitive with others. I was never competitive in a hateful way. I never resented anyone else for being better than me. Rather, I used it as inspiration – or perhaps flagellation is a better word – to drive myself to higher ground and bigger, better aspirations.

If you showed up and did thirty consecutive pull ups, then I was going to do 31. Not because I thought less of you, but in fact, because I thought more of you and wanted to cease suddenly thinking less of myself.

By your doing more, I wanted to do more. For years I always thought of this as motivation, as a purely positive thing. You were all helping driving me forward. But underneath it all was this addiction to competition, this judgment of everything I did, this constant feeling of “not good enough” coupled with a need to prove I was. While on the outside you were driving me forward, on the inside I was pushing myself down.

My Self-Imposed Rehab

These days I’m in what I call competition rehab. It’s a self-imposed rehab and I have to remind myself about my own rules for recovery pretty much every day.

The other week I decided my new sport would be running. I’m loving running currently. I’m doing it three to five days a week and finding it physically and mentally enjoyable. But before long I found myself thinking, “I’m going to make this my sport. What event should I enter?” Immediately I fantasized about marathons, and then ultra-marathons, about goal times, and milestones.

Ugh. I’ve got a knack for turning enjoyment into a slog, taking something positive and setting it on the road to the negative, it seems. I don’t mean to. It’s just how my mind works. It starts as constant improvement and optimization, and it turns into judgment of self.

So now, while I continue my exploration of running, I am practicing my rules for recovery as part of my self-imposed competition rehab. I am working on being non-competitive and just enjoying physical activity for physical activity. I am convinced that if I can purely enjoy it for the physical thing it is, in that very moment, I can mentally come to enjoy the right here and right now, as well.

My 5-Step Program to Rehab Your Competition Addiction

1. Let Go of the Numbers:

I never run with a Garmin and I never time my workouts. Typically I do AMRAPs or EMOMs and I do my best not to track how long things take me or how many rounds I actually do.

2. Stop Entering Competitions:

My gut instinct is always to sign up for a tournament, event, or some other public display of gut-wrenching competition. In the past I used these as landmarks to work toward and for motivation and accountability. Now, when I get this urge, I remind myself I can probably do all the same training on my own, without the stress and (self) judgment.

3. Stop Counting Calories:

Really, if you’ve counted calories and weighed your food for years like I have, you know very well when you’re eating the wrong thing or even too much of the right thing. Let go of the number obsession, make wise choices, and use a smaller plate if you have to.

4. Quit Getting on the Scale:

I weighed myself every morning for years. Years. Decades, even. The only purpose it ever served was to make me hate myself first thing every morning. My husband convinced me to stop weighing myself for a while and it’s hard to even explain the mental and emotional relief it’s allowed me. I can tell when I’m getting fat, for goodness’ sake, I don’t need the scale to point it out. But there were always those days when I actually woke up feeling good and downright sleek, but then the scale told me I was fat and I was crushed. Now that I don’t weigh myself, I don’t have those days. If I feel good, then I stay feeling good. And if I feel fat, I eat less. Go figure.

5. Remind Yourself Why You’re Doing It All:

I exercise and eat right so that I can have as many quality days, months, and years with my husband as possible. I want to spend time with my family and friends. I want to explore the world and enjoy it – and that means not only climbing monuments and hiking mountains, but drinking wine and eating bread on occasion. It also means taking a more moderate approach so I hurt less and experience fewer injuries.

Enjoy the Right Now

As a life-long competitor in all aspects of my life, learning to unwind that thought process has been a process in and of itself. But the older I get, the easier it gets (and I prefer to think that’s not related to my associated decreasing level of performance, thank you). And the mental and physical benefits of not competing are turning out to be a lot more valuable than any medal or trophy.

Are you a competition addict? Why do you love competition? Or why might you consider letting go of it for a while? Post your thoughts to the comments below.

Photo 1 courtesy of CrossFit Impulse.

Photos 2 and 3 courtesy of Jorge Huerta Photography.

Photos 4 and 5 courtesy of Shutterstock.

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Clearly, in the minds of most, exercise is also a good thing, and collectively we certainly need more of it. However, there seems to be much confusion as to how much is enough – or too much.

Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Exercise?

There’s a wide societal gap when it comes to the question of how much exercise. On one end of the spectrum there’s the sedentary and obese (too much of a good thing – junk food). On the other end, the über-fit (too much of a good thing – exercise).

We all seem to agree that obesity is a bad thing, whether in regards to the person it afflicts or the skyrocketing healthcare costs all of us are saddled with as a result. But what about too much exercise? On the surface, exercise addiction seems like a good problem to have. Many people make up every excuse not to exercise and just getting to the gym can be a struggle. Isn’t it admirable to have the drive to get there twice day? Besides, how much you exercise is your business. After all, you can’t be too healthy, can you?

Perhaps not, but exercise and the amount we do of it aren’t necessarily synonomous with health. Many other variables determine health, from nutrition to family life. Happiness, ultimately, is dependent on self-awareness and self-actualization, not six-pack abs. While you can debate the merits of exactly how much exercise is enough, the following may help you determine if perhaps you’re doing too much.

You Are often Sick, Injured, or Depressed

Exercise is a wonderful combatant to depression as it releases endorphins and the powerful hormone serotonin. However, too much of a good thing can lead to the pendulum swinging the other way. Not being able to exercise can make those dependant on it irritable. Furthermore, not being able to continuously find the high from exercise can lead to depression.

The bottom line here is one of motive – is exercise a means of escapism or a means of getting present? Exercise is a great way to express our physicality and find the present moment, so long as it is not done in the name of escapism. Escapism can manifest in the form of focusing purely on the body, but no matter how fit we are or how toned our biceps, our problems and fears are still there when we leave the gym.

As an advisor of mine said once to me, “Eric you can’t outrun your shadow.”

You Define Your Happiness by Your Body or Level of Fitness

I recently joked with a friend that when I go I hope my tombstone doesn’t say, “Here lies Eric. He liked to exercise a lot.” Our activities don’t define who we are – qualities do. You aren’t what you do. You are what is inside you.

My girlfriend is a former competitive Ironman triathlete. She recently retired from the sport and seldom mentions her racing days. While she is proud of her former accomplishments, she doesn’t dwell on the past, and instead looks forward to what’s next. While it takes tremendous drive and courage to prepare for and compete in an endeavor like Ironman, it takes an equal amount of courage to know when enough is enough and the time is right to try something different.

Our activities, careers, and life in sport will change over time and even diminish. The qualities we express in doing them are what count.

Your Relationships Suffer

My girlfriend mentioned to me that in her Ironman racing days she saw countless relationships suffer and end due to the constraints and rigors of training. If you look online, you’ll even see a phenomenon called “divorce by triathlon.”

I am not saying tritahletes are bad people or bad partners. Our passions are important, and if doing triathlons is yours, then go for it. What I am saying is that if your relationships are suffering as a result of how you train and the relative importance you place on it, then your life is giving you a message about your priorities.

How we relate with others is considerably more important than the activities we do. Again, I am guessing that on your tombstone you wouldn’t want it to say, “Here lies Janet. She rode her bike really fast.”

You Train Like Pro, But You Aren’t One

Some people workout out every day, all day. They go from their weight workout to their flexibility training to their aerobic conditioning all in one day. These people are called professional athletes.

Professional defined as in you are paid to do said activity. It’s a job. If you’re putting in work like a pro, but aren’t being paid to be one, perhaps it’s time to consider your priorities. Again, how much you exercise is your business, but to what end?

It’s a question I have had to consider in my own life in fitness and I am glad I did. Look, I‘m not here to knock passion. I am a passion guy. Far be it from me to criticize you if you like to work out every day or even twice a day. But what I can tell you is that peace of mind is a far greater possession than passion. Passion ebbs and flows.

When it ebbs, passion leads to depression. Peace of mind, conversely, leads to contentment regardless of your physical circumstances.

Are You Addicted to Exercise?

As to whether you are truly addicted to exercise, that’s something more serious to ponder. In some of my research, I came across an interesting list compiled by exercise psychologists Heather Hausenblas, Ph.D. and Danielle Symons Downs, Ph.D. They compiled what is known as the Exercise Dependence Scale to assess and individual’s risk for exercise addiction. The scale is modeled after the protocol for identifying substance addictions.

Seven factors are assessed and it’s something for us fitness junkies to consider:

1. Tolerance: You need more and more to achieve the same effects.
2. Withdrawal: Increased agitation, fatigue, and tension if you don’t exercise.
3. Intention Effect: Exercising for longer than intended on most trips to the gym.
4. Lack of Control: Difficulty scaling back the duration and intensity of exercise.
5. TimeSpent: Spending huge amounts of time on fitness related activities.
6. Reduction of Other Pursuits: Is exercising too much affecting other parts of your life? (social, work, relationships).
7. Continuance Despite Injury: You train even when you are injured.

References:

1. H.A. Hausenblas and D. Symons Downs, “Exercise Dependence Scale-21 Manual,” 2002.

Photo 1 “Pre Swim Kiss” by Chris Hunkeler Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike License.

Photo 2 “Activity Wales – Mumbles Triathlon 2012 – Bob #43” by Khalid Sarwar Attribution-NoDerivs License.

Photo 3 “power lifter” by greg westfall Attribution-NonCommercial License.

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“But yoga is a good addiction, right?” No. Addiction is addiction – plain and simple. Using a medicine, beverage, way of thinking, belief system, tool, or activity repetitively out of context or outside the original intent is abuse. Using anything deliberately and with repetition to hide, run away from, or cloak reality is the foundation of addiction. You can be addicted to yoga when using it outside its intentions.

Yoga has an inherent design to have its practitioners remain mindful and driven with purpose. Every breath, every position, every movement is an act to wake up the practitioner into seeing their limitations. To become cognizant of hiding spots and addictions is the essence of yoga. To become more of who a person is cognizant is the nature of meditation.

Yoga, especially Forrest yoga, is a tool to go deeper than the layers of pain, tension, wounds, and ego to hear the voice of your spirit. It is an aid to penetrate through these layers, to get to the true spirit that existed prior to any life experience. Spirit is who you are beneath all of the layers. Addiction, in my opinion, is a person’s path separated from his or her own spirit. A disintegrating way of relating without sense of contribution or purpose in the world. A forgotten land that became disturbed from time, spent in a cell of tension, strain, misgivings, wrong attitude, misperceptions of reality, neglect, pain, injury, scarring, and disease, to name a few.

How we view our experiences or memories from life can become a method of distorting an alternate reality to be seen as positive or negative. Your spirit is truly everything you have. It is who you are. It is you. You are not your pains. You are not a sum of your life experiences. You are who you are because you have cut back through the layers of experiences to remember your identity, your spirit.

What are your addictions? How do you self medicate and obscure the viewing of your experiences? Are these the methods you use for testing your relationship with your spirit? Answers always lie within. We have tools to find these answers. Use your tools instead of the thoughts that generate actions of addiction.

When I need support and sense my spirit flagging me to come home, I seek wisdom from the animals to guide me back into knowing. There is a miraculous world of wisdom in the animal kingdom. These creatures and guardians of the planet have existed long before any bipedal mammal.

Winged creatures help us to remember to keep our heads high, keep looking up, and take a bird’s eye view perspective on our experiences and use hawkeyed precision to see details. Owls help us see our hiding places. They accompany us through the shadows and darkness. They are our night eagle guardians and see our secrets. With their brilliant eyes, they help us navigate out of our hiding places. We need to face the dark to learn about the beauty that lies in the shadows. Stillness, silence, solitude – when we meditate we are attempting to recreate this nighttime during the day.

“To be a warrior is to learn to be genuine in every moment of your life.”

– Chogyam Trungpa

Genuine means unadulterated, unobstructed, without addictions, and in the very raw nature that is yourself – silence, stillness, sitting with your own thoughts, feelings, and skin and bones. What comes up is you. Who are you without all of the distractions? Do you know?

Break a pattern and program your mind to be in the alternate reality where you view your life experiences as beauty tokens adorning your spirit. Make an updated, stronger, wiser warrior of your spirit. Use this meditation.

Owl Meditation

Ask yourself these questions. Wait for an answer before moving on. Write as needed.

1. Where do you go to hide?
2. What do you have hiding inside?
3. What are you scared to see?
4. What do you fear that keeps you wedded to your hiding?
5. Are your current actions or behaviors with these fears supporting positive change?
6. What alternative actions can you take to initiate action full of purpose and integrity with your spirit?

• When you come to an obstacle, speak “What else can I do?”
• Repeat this mantra as many times as you wish to generate multiple options and choices.
• Now see yourself stepping out of your hiding spot with a strategy to resolve the issue you have been hiding from. When needed, tell someone you trust about your plan so it is not a secret nor locked in your hiding spot. This individual should be someone who can help encourage you on your plan.

Initiating change can be an arduous challenge or an exciting journey to freedom. Choose your own adventure, choose your own outcome, and make certain it is in integrity with your spirit. It is your voice that you hear your entire life and if you do not like the messages you hear, they will only get louder until you are forced to deal with them. Your spirit cannot be broken by any one experience or person. Remember, it is who you are. Live your spirit’s voice. Be bold. Be you.

Photos courtesy of Shutterstock.

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