A (Tongue-in-Cheek) Set of Grappler’s New Year’s Resolutions

The grapplers out there are probably spending their holiday training. And they are also fun to poke fun at. Here are some new years’ resolutions that reflect the life of a grappler.

Grapplers tend to be an enthusiastic group, as I described in an earlier story. In fact, many of them will likely be training throughout this holiday week, which is supposedly dedicated to family. And some things some grapplers do are fun to poke fun at. Yes, I know it sounds a bit paternalistic, and I’m certainly not perfect, but here are some new years’ resolutions that reflect some of the things grappler types like to joke about.

If you read this and laugh, you are the target audience. If you read this and are insulted, you might want to check your work. If you read this and don’t quite get it, post to comments and I will explain. Now, here is a hypothetical list of new year’s resolutions for the slightly clueless grappler:

  • Decide on a cool nickname for when I start my MMA career. Maybe Poseidon, because I sink my chokes deep. Ooh, I could carry a trident and be flanked by mermaids when I walk into the venue before fights.
  • Decide on a song to make my MMA entrance to. Possibilities: “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,” “Mama Said Knock You Out,” “Enter Sandman.”
  • Get at least two new tattoos. Maybe barbed wire, maybe something tribal. Or the Japanese kanji character for “iron” (but find someone who speaks Japanese to make sure it actually says “iron.” One time I heard about a guy who thought he was getting “courage,” but it actually said “toilet.”)
  • Start to train for MMA. But only after I figure out the nickname, song, and tattoos.
  • Start hounding my instructor for a stripe on my white belt – I’ve been training for three months already.
  • Get my name embroidered on my white belt.
  • Grind my head into small spaces whenever possible – to encourage the development of cauliflower.
  • Decide on cool nickname for everyday use, preferably one that ends in “inho.”
  • Learn some Portuguese, more than just “acai” and “passa guarda.” Some of the words I think I know the meaning to I may actually be wrong about.
  • Call everyone “bro.” Even complete strangers, upper belts, and women. Even see if my mom will go for it.
  • Start no-gi class (will be good for MMA and for just generally rounding out my training), and wear only compression shorts. No shirt, unless maybe a wifebeater.
  • Remember to tell that brown belt who kicks my butt all the time without even breaking a sweat or thinking about it or using even a fraction of what he knows that he’s making good progress and that if it were up to me, he’d be promoted soon.
  • Compete in some local tournaments, and wear any medals for hours and even days after I win them.
  • End 2013 a step closer to my goal of becoming better at grappling than my idol <insert name here>.

Grapply holidays, everyone!

Photo courtesy of Shutterstock.

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