• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
Breaking Muscle

Breaking Muscle

Breaking Muscle

  • Fitness
  • Workouts
    • Best Shoulder Workouts
    • Best Chest Workouts
    • Best Leg Workouts
    • Best Leg Exercises
    • Best Biceps Exercises
    • Best Kettlebell Exercises
    • Best Back Workouts
    • Best HIIT Workouts
    • Best Triceps Exercises
    • Best Arm Workouts
  • Reviews
    • Supplements
      • Best Pre-Workouts
      • Best Whey Protein
    • Equipment
      • Best Home Gym Machines
    • Certifications
      • ISSA Review
  • News
  • Exercise Guides
    • Legs
      • Back Squat
      • Bulgarian Split Squat
      • Goblet Squat
      • Zercher Squat
      • Standing Calf Raise
      • Hack Squat
    • Chest
      • Bench Press
      • Dumbbell Bench Press
      • Close-Grip Bench Press
      • Incline Bench Press
    • Shoulders
      • Overhead Dumbbell Press
      • Lateral Raise
    • Arms
      • Chin-Up
      • Weighted Pull-Up
      • Triceps Pushdown
    • Back
      • Deadlift
      • Trap Bar Deadlift
      • Lat Pulldown
      • Inverted Row
      • Bent-Over Barbell Row
      • Single-Arm Dumbbell Row
      • Pendlay Row
Fitness

How to Get Fat, Weak, and Totally Miserable in 10 Days Flat!

Nick Horton is out of town on Holiday. I'm his evil twin brother and I've stepped in to take over his column this week & set you straight about setting goals for the New Year!

Written by Nick Horton Last updated on December 27, 2011

Nick Horton, also known as The Iron Samurai, is out of town on Holiday. I’m his twin brother, The Plastic Ninja, and I’ve stepped in to take over his column this week to help him out. Hopefully, I can repair all the damage he’s done!

Nick Horton, also known as The Iron Samurai, is out of town on Holiday. I’m his twin brother, The Plastic Ninja, and I’ve stepped in to take over his column this week to help him out. Hopefully, I can repair all the damage he’s done!

Today I’ve got a plan that will knock your socks off. And it is guaranteed to work! Unlike all of your hapless friends who will spend the early part of the new year stressed over their lack of progress, who will nearly all fail to reach even halfway up their own ladders of success, YOU can set in place – right here, right now – a truly attainable, reachable, and arguably noble goal.

You’re a rebel, you’re a lone-star, you don’t follow, you lead. While everyone else is preparing for their yearly fruitless march toward their ever unattainable New Years Resolutions, you’re looking for something different – something special. Well…you know what they say, if the salmon are swimming up-stream, you should swim down.

With my system, I promise you’ll be fatter, weaker, and more miserable than you are today…in only 10 days!

Why would you want this, you ask? Because it’s yours for the taking. It’s something you can actually DO.

Step 1: Set Very Low and Attainable Goals

The problem most people have is they set their sights too high and their goals way up in the clouds. No wonder they never reach them! Remember all those tests you had to take in school, the homework? Your math teacher would have the audacity to EXPECT things from you after each lesson. That’s what my brother is always up to.

The Iron Samurai thinks if he sets the bar high and works hard to inspire you, that you can achieve any goal you put your mind to.

What an idiot!

That mushy-gushy B.S. sounds good on paper, but in the real world – where you and I live – you are doomed to failure. There is NO way you will ever reach success. That’s for other people. Give up now.

It is far smarter to figure out the easiest goals you can possibly achieve, and go for those. Only work toward sure things, guaranteed makes. Never, never, never take risks.

  • If you load the bar for a front squat and you are not 100% positive that you can make it, don’t even try.
  • If you want to lose fat and get in shape, but you aren’t already lean and muscular, what’s the point of even trying?
  • When you meet someone who you think might be “the one”, but they are good looking and smart, don’t bother. What would they want with you, anyway?

My cardinal rule is if you don’t play the game, you can’t ever lose. Safety first!

Step 2: Don’t Try Too Hard

I don’t know what my brothers deal is. But his constant yammering about “trying harder” is getting on my nerves. What’s the point? You get all sweaty in the gym, you grunt and yell, and you look like a moron. Ever seen your face in the mirror when you’re going for a max effort lift? Disgusting.

That’s not an “oh” face, that’s a “no” face.

Working out in the gym is undignified already – what with the stupid spandex clothes and silly looking shoes – without adding to it uncomfortable feelings and body odor.

Not to mention the risk of injury. CrossFit, weightlifting, powerlifting, sprinting, pull ups, push ups, squats, deadlifts, presses…all code names for hurting yourself!

Do yourself a favor and keep it mellow. There is no reason to try hard at anything in life. If things don’t just magically flow to you, you weren’t meant to have them.

Step 3: Give Up Half Way Through

You see, with most goals, you have to stick with the plan to see any progress. You actually have to DO stuff, for the LONG haul.

Boring!

Come on, we’ve got A.D.D., here. There is no way, for all that is good and holy, that any of us is going to stick to a plan for longer than a few days at a time. We’re going to start strong, and peter off almost immediately. Think back to all of the goals you’ve set for yourself over the course of your life. How many did you reach? Not many.

  • What about learning Spanish? Did you do that?
  • How about losing that last 20 pounds of fat? Nope.
  • Women, how many strict pull ups can you do?
  • Men, can you snatch over bodyweight yet?
  • Heck, The Iron Samurai, for all his hyperbolic posturing STILL hasn’t finished his Masters Degree. What a slacker!

You see, you can set all the goals you want. And you can start on a program designed to get you there. But you won’t finish the plan, you won’t stick to it, and why would you? That kind of goal-oriented lifestyle is for nerds.

Sure, they seem happy, these geeks who actually DID their homework, who hit the gym regularly, who accomplish things, and keep improving. But wouldn’t you rather spend your days playing Mario Kart, drinking booze, and brooding? I know I would!

So, how do you know if the goal you are driving towards is too much for you? That’s easy. You’ll know when you run into a set-back. You see, any goal that is appropriate for you will be easy and effortless to achieve. Anything more than that and clearly you’ve overreached.

If at any point you fail, that is a sign from the Almighty you are doing the wrong thing. Quit and turn around. It is a fools errand to continue working toward a goal you just proved you can’t reach.

Conclusion

Don’t be conned by these coaches with their fancy words like “hard work” and “consistency”. That junk won’t get you anywhere.

People who are strong were born that way and had advantages you don’t – they’re probably on steroids, too. People who are lean and fit were always lean and fit. (Gillian Michaels SAYS she was a fat kid, but we’ve never seen the picture.)

Doing great things in life is for other people. In the REAL world, you will always be about where you are. Go with it! Heck, make it worse. THAT’S something you can honestly do.

Eat more junk food, avoid the gym like the plague, be mean to and alienate the people who love you, and try to get fired from your job.

And whatever you do, don’t listen to what my brother says. That guy is trying to set you up to be better tomorrow than you are today. What a joke!

About Nick Horton

Nick Horton is not your average Olympic Weightlifting coach. He's been practicing Zen meditation for over a decade and applies the lessons he's learned to both his coaching and to his writing. He is of the belief that your body follows your mind. If you don't train your mind, then you're not ever going to be as physically strong as you could have been otherwise.

While his first major in college was music, Nick eventually switched to mathematics and loves math for the same reasons he loves weightlifting: because they are hard. He is now finishing a Masters degree in Math with a focus in Game Theory and the Mathematics of Human Behavior.

Nick is certified through both USA Weightlifting and CrossFit as an Olympic Weightlifting Coach. He can also be found online via his blog, The IronSamurai, which can be summed up by its subtitle: Zen and the Art of Weightlifting.

View All Articles

Recommended Articles

shutterstock250543783
Safe and Sane Fat Loss Advice From People Who Care About You
What Is Brown Adipose Tissue and Why Would We Want It?
Hugh Jackman Deadpool 3 Workouts Spring:Winter 2023
Hugh Jackman Returns to Wolverine Condition in Workouts for “Deadpool 3”
Method Man Incline Dumbbell Presses December 2022
Check Out Rapper Method Man Cruising Through 120-Pound Incline Dumbbell Presses for 10 Reps

Primary Sidebar

Latest Articles

Legendary Ronnie Coleman Explains the Four Bodybuilding Poses That Built His Career

2023 Clash On The Coast Results — Sumer Johnson and Andrew Clayton Triumphant

Jay Cutler Believes Bodybuilding’s Men’s Open is Returning to Its Greatest Era

Sherine Marcelle (90KG) Scores All-Time Raw World Record Squat of 262.3 Kilograms (579 Pounds)

Latest Reviews

ISSA Personal Trainer Certification Review

ISSA Personal Trainer Certification Review

Best Whey Proteins for Packing on Muscle, Shredding Down, Meal Replacement, and More

Best Pre-Workouts for Building Muscle, Running, Taste, and More

Best Home Gym Machines

Best Home Gym Machines

woman lifting barbell

Be the smartest person in your gym

The Breaking Muscle newsletter is everything you need to know about strength in a 3 minute read.

I WANT IN!

Breaking Muscle is the fitness world’s preeminent destination for timely, high-quality information on exercise, fitness, health, and nutrition. Our audience encompasses the entire spectrum of the fitness community: consumers, aficionados, fitness professionals, and business owners. We seek to inform, educate and advocate for this community.

  • Reviews
  • Healthy Eating
  • Workouts
  • Fitness
  • News

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • RSS Feed

© 2023 · Breaking Muscle · Terms of Use · Privacy Policy · Affiliate Disclaimer · Accessibility · About